Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Not today.. 😂
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
He took my last fry, your honor
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
For the baby who has everything
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
being a writer on Twitter: