[Controversial and unpopular statement]
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I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Childbirth is so beautiful
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private