Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
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Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.