*controversially pours a glass of milk*
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what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK