Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
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Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer