@wildethingy

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

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@tastefactory

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

@krisv_723

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

@Reverend_Scott

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

@VerbsRProudest

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

@LunaKayne

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

@ch000ch

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

@YSylon

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

@iwearaonesie

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow