Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
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[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
birds and squirrels envy us
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.