Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
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You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
How does one answer this?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
real
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry