Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
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I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.