Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
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Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
work smarter, not harder
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.