Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

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How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.


if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.


I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch


My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.


What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?


Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.


*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”