Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
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shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I am laughing way too hard at this.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”