Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
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Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!