*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
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Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I WON A HAM TODAY
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.