Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Can Happiness buy money?
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE