Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
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I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Can’t, holding a grudge
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.