You Might Also Like
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
same bro
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Netflix and scream at our children?!
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.