[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
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[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?