@envydatropic
@ramblinma No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
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@ramblinma 
@david8hughes [bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
@LocalButtLiker God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
@Tommytoughstuff COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
@LuvPug “I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
@SardonicTart *Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
@simoncholland You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
@brettminor It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
@UncleDuke1969 I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
@JohnHilsen Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.