@envydatropic

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

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@ramblinma

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

@david8hughes

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

@LocalButtLiker

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

@Tommytoughstuff

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

@LuvPug

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

@SardonicTart

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

@simoncholland

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

@brettminor

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

@UncleDuke1969

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

@JohnHilsen

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.