Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
You Might Also Like
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?