cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
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I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?