Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.