cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
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There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Muppet Screams
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.