Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
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I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.