Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.


The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.


*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend


Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.


As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.


I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings


Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco


People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.


[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later