@Midgetspar

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

You Might Also Like

@robdelaney

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

@LostFelicia

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

@daemonic3

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

@SarcasticSadOne

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

@PinkCamoTO

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

@fundersum

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

@DomBorrett

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

@envydatropic

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

@alexlumaga

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later