Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
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I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
necessity is the mother of invention
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.