@robdelaney Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
@Midgetspar Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
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@robdelaney 
@LostFelicia The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
@daemonic3 *Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
@SarcasticSadOne Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
@fillthevacuum Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
@PinkCamoTO As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
@fundersum I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
@DomBorrett Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
@envydatropic People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
@alexlumaga [Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later