Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
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Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.