Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
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9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open