Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
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Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Meow?
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.