Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
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*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.