COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
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genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Livid.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT