COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
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Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
you know what ruined my childhood? children