Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
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“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Birds & Planes.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
i meant to share this earlier
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’