Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
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i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.