COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
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[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
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I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one