cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Every work call, he judges.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Bobby pin
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.