*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?