COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
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him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.