COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
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My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit