Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
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3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
handsome & gretel
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Me irl
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Can’t. Being lazy.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic