Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
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I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I hope this email finds you in a well
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Rich People Podcasts are wild.