Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

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Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”


*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*


Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.


You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.


NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*


Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.


[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*


My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.


If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.