COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
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in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”