cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
the prophecy has been fulfilled
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
*mops up wine with cat*
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.