Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
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I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
An odd boast
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
three things we don’t talk about
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.