[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
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There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
When you’ve simply given up.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him