Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
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*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.