Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
You Might Also Like
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.