Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
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Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
scared to check what name she chose
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?