Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]