COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
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I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[canadians at you, canadianly]
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”