Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
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– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.